If you've played tennis at Soldiers this spring, and especially if you've walked your dog through the area every evening as I have, you've likely beheld some startling sights. Last week, I saw eight miscreants staging a painfully inept street-hockey exhibition on the court closest to the so-called "practice wall." In an effort to assemble do-it-yourself goals, they removed the rubbish from the bins on the sidewalk and positioned the receptacles horizontally in two locations: one against the fence and the other smack-dab against the net. One particularly uncivil fellow, who could benefit greatly from extensive skating lessons, lost his balance as he clumsily pursued a retreating puck, falling face-first onto the net and collapsing it beneath his weight. Enraged, he slammed his stick against a net post and continued to pretend he was a winger for the Minnesota Wild. It was a frightful display of court abuse I'd prefer not to encounter again, though I must confess to having been marginally entertained by the spectacle.
Though the future Ice Capades stars were by far the most disruptive group I've discovered, they weren't necessarily the strangest. One night, two confused teenage girls (who apparently thought they were in the Bahamas and didn't feel obligated to wear shoes) were taking random swings at purple balls with rackets acquired from Disneyland. One held her racket by its head, using the grip to make contact with the ball. Most impressive was that her accuracy was superior to her partner's.
I've also seen Frisbee and baseball being played on the courts, and Mr. Bob Hubert, the official RTL documentarian, shot recent footage of a center-court lacrosse game. Each day brings us one step closer to a Barnum sideshow, so even if you don't favor playing at Soldiers (and I won't blame you if you cling to that stance), I encourage you to pack a picnic basket and head out to the parking lot some night. You might catch the landing of a hot-air balloon as a bearded woman juggles jagged torches while balancing herself on a talking elephant.
Spring is expiring at an alarming pace, and the final week of session-one regulation is upon us. Please complete and report your week-five matches as early as possible, enabling Max to post the playoff schedule. Matchups, of course, will be dependent upon final standings, stats impossible to calculate unless all data are available. The sooner I've received your week-five scores, the sooner you'll be able to schedule your round-one contests.
Session-two signup formally begins next week, but Max is accepting early reservations. Session one has featured our largest turnout to date, and we hope to match or exceed that status in session two. Captains, please consult your teammates to confirm their availability. If your squads will be losing a player and you'll require a replacement, Max can certainly help you reach that goal.
A quick point about supplying balls for matches, a question I forgot to address at the start of the season. We took a poll last year on this topic, and the majority of respondents supported the spin-the-racket convention; just as you spin a racket at the opening of a match to determine who serves and receives, you should also do so to establish who provides balls. The loser of the spin is the supplier. Thus, you enter each match with a fifty-percent chance of furnishing balls. That's about as even as the odds can be.
Note that each team should arrive at every match with a virgin can of pressurized balls -- promiscuous balls, even gently used ones, are uniformly banned. Never presume that your opponent will cover for you if you've forgotten to buy a new can. Also, please treat the racket-spinning business as a guideline rather than a rule. Sometimes, a team will crack open a can of balls before the other has even noticed. That's perfectly fine if neither team finds fault with it.
Enjoy your week-five matches!
